Saturday, December 13, 2008

How to Give a Cat a Pill

This first made its rounds back in the 90's, when the internet was still young. I was reminded of it the other day as I read a friend's description of how to dress a 2 year old. So in tribute to feline children everywhere, I hereby resurrect one of my favorite forwarded stories of all time. My 6 year old daughter took the photo of her Grammy's cat, who does not take pills.


How To Give A Cat A Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10 . Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the cussed cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bugger’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

2 comments:

  1. Okay, that was worth the wait. That was hysterical.

    Sorry my emails were so long. LOL.

    Talk to you soon

    ReplyDelete
  2. That is too good. Could be my cat you are describing. He was an inside cat who is now an outside cat because of his misdeeds. ; )

    You visted my blog during Lysa's Cool give-aways and I wanted to come by and say Merry Christmas.

    ReplyDelete

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