Friday, September 10, 2010

Indigo Files: Day Two

This post is part of a series describing my first week on therapy after deciding to take control of the depression that sometimes dominates my spirit.

Sometimes you have to go down before you can go up.

After my crazy first night, it took awhile to work up my courage to take pill number two. What the heck was that last night? Am I in for more of that? What is it worth to me to do this? I sat down after I got Boo off to school, and read the drug sheet more carefully. Hmm, common side effects include: nausea, headache, dry mouth, dizziness, insomnia. Loss of appetite, sleepiness, diarrhea, anxiety. Well there you have it then.

Then I discovered it was also time for my usual monthly dose of irritable and ick. Which could also explain some of the symptoms. And which was not at all helpful to my general state of feeling good about myself. It is rough feeling sick because you have an empty stomach, but being too nauseous to eat anything. Kinda like morning sickness, only this feeling lasted all day.

It so happened that Rooster's preschool graduation was this afternoon. Almost didn't think I could go, but it was really important to him and to me to observe this tiny milestone. Afterward I was so glad I did go, because by the time it was over I had been broken a little out of my very small world. It was a step back in the right direction. But only a small step.

By the end of the day my internal filters had gone haywire. Every sound, every vibration in my house had me nearly quivering with hyper-reaction. Talk about walking on eggshells. I couldn't chill out with a beer or glass of wine, because those are depressants. That was sort of a bummer; but seriously, what's the point of taking an antidepressant if I'm going to turn around and depress myself all over again?

The Captain is my hero, because he went out to the garage and found me a set of noise canceling headphones. Wearing these giant earmuffs, I ate dinner and watched a movie with the kids, and everything seemed much more manageable. As long as I shut out most of the sounds and kept a couple bites of food in my stomach, I seemed to be normalizing a bit. I ate a whole sleeve of Saltines by myself today.

Through the whole miserable, overwhelming day full of side effects, my honey (and my primary behavior observer) repeated that I seem more stable. I didn't have any angry outbursts. It's like anger got put a level of effort further away on the other side of a wall of cotton, and it's just not worth it to me to reach for the anger. This is the kind of result I was looking for; if I can practice what it's like not to snap to anger over every.little.thing, maybe I can develop a new habit of patience with the kids.

After last night's scary experience, I was a little nervous to go to bed. But I had to turn off! My awesome honey left me alone in the room tonight while I fell asleep. I went to bed at 10pm and slept until 6:30 with no interruptions except him coming to bed at midnight. Success.

By day three I was recovering enough to start thinking bigger. I'll share about that in a future post.


  1. Hi Krista

    Thank you for encouraging me today regarding my post! I needed to hear that! Really!

    I've also dealt with some of that depression you're sharing about today!
    It's no fun!

    I'm saying a prayer for you, friend....right now!
    Isn't it good that God puts people in our path to lean on and trust with "stuff"!

    You're not alone! :)

  2. Hey Krista!

    Thanks for visiting my blog, PrayerGifts.

    After reading your blog, all I can say is, "I get it sister!" I went through a pretty severe season of depression. I've been taking Cymbalta for a couple years now, and it's really a god-send for me.

    I look forward getting to know you better. My hubby is a TX boy (Lamesa..near Lubbock) I'm a Louisiana girl.

    You asked about the Berean are's great. I hardly ever make it over there because I'm flat broke...but it's a great store. (and I've been to creepy mall "Christian" stores too)


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