Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Today I unwrap an unusual gift for the Tuesdays Unwrapped series. Today I unwrap Indigo. Indigo describes a part of me that I allowed to dominate me for a long time, that I finally took action to put in balance. Today marks the beginning of the story that will be told throughout the month of September.
Think of the colors of the rainbow. We usually speak in terms of three primary and three secondary colors: Red, Yellow, Blue. Orange, Green, Purple. Six colors that make up most of our verbal crayon box. Yet there are seven colors listed in the colors of the rainbow when we use the acronym ROYGBIV. Red, Orange, Yellow. Green. Blue, Indigo, Violet.
So what is Indigo? The bastard child? The elephant in the room? The unmentionable? Do we leave it out because it doesn't fit into our tidy primary/secondary color wheel interpretation of color?
Indigo fascinates me. It lends depth to the deep end of the color spectrum. It justifies that some things in life do carry more weight, and that's the way it's supposed to be.
I have chosen to describe the melancholy aspect of my personality as the Indigo. It really is a gift, because without that melancholy element, I wouldn't always be thinking about the world, or feeling the need to write about it. However, Indigo was ruling my life, and I have finally taken action not to eliminate it, but to get it back to its proportionate place in my personal spectrum.
The enemy lives in darkness. When we reveal our darkest struggles to the light, the enemy can no longer whisper his lies into our hearts. My hope is that by sharing this experience and bringing it to the light of day, someone else might be Encouraged that they are not alone, Empowered to reach for help, and Inspired to bring their own situation to the light.
So here we go, the first week of taking control of the Indigo. My experience, my thoughts, my world.
(May 13) Day 1: 11:30am, first pill. Had a bit of an upset stomach, but an otherwise good day. I have a lot of good days, so it's hard to know if it was just a good day or if the pill made a difference. It's probably too early to see results, but I'm still looking. The Captain says I seemed more consistently stable throughout the day. Makes me wonder if I only mentally record the moments when I feel good, and blank out the ones when I'm irritable and overwhelmed. I told him I'm putting him in charge of noting changes in my disposition. I think he's got better perspective than I do.
11:30pm, bedtime. Woke up in a cold sweat at 12:30 because the Captain was watching a thriller movie tonight, of all nights. Some post-apocalyptic story about plants trying to kill the remaining people. Had such a huge adrenaline rush that I couldn't go back to sleep. Finally got up at 2:30 and staggered out of the room, hoping to find another place to sleep. The sofa was covered in a pile of unfolded laundry, but I was overcome with a wave of nausea and dizziness, so I just allowed myself to crumple to the floor. Dozed there for an hour before returning to my bed.
Not five minutes later, the baby cried out in her sleep and I felt it necessary to rush upstairs to help her. She was asleep again by the time I got there, but more nausea and dizziness swept over me. Couldn't make it back downstairs, crumpled up next to the crib on the mattress where Boo slept last time we had company. Dozed for another hour, then made my way back to bed about 4:30. Had to get up at 6am, felt sick and migraine-y like I had pulled an all-nighter.
What just happened? Sometimes when we start along a new path, we can't tell right away whether or not we should have taken this one. All we can do is feel our way forward, and trust that God will direct us to continue or not.
"Trust in the Lord, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6).
The morning of the second day dawned bleakly. But the first day was ended, and sometimes that's the best you can say about a difficult experience. I will share more about the second day in another post later this week.