I keep finding myself falling further and further behind pace in this marathon. Of course I am being hard on myself; the pace is completely arbitrary. But I am feeling the strain, the need to get ahead far enough to relax a bit and still stay on pace.
And I know that while this pace is self-imposed, I also have something to learn from it. I need to learn this:
I try too hard. When I run ahead of my Muse, or forget to invite him to speak, the words gum up between my eyes, then settle in my chest with a tiring weight.When God blesses, he multiplies my efforts and puts the words right for me.
This struggle to wait on the Lord, it never ends. I am a fully broken human being, with no good thing on my own. In the past week I have begun to feel convicted of my sinfulness more than I have in a long time. Don’t worry, this is good. It is a necessary part of growth.
I have been seeking growth by choosing to find moments of silence in which God can speak to me; by choosing to ask God to be honored in the everyday moments; by gulping the Bible in 90 days.
And as a result, I realize I need to ask God for more: for personal discipline and focus that will create time for those moments of silence; for patience in my everyday moments; for a passionate love affair with his Words.
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 1 John 5:14And the more convinced I become of my utter worthlessness on my own, as I ask God to remove my pride and self-centered attitudes, the more he is able to fill me up with himself.
Maybe the reasonably picked-up, clean-laundry, done-dishes house I sit in tonight represents God’s strength of focus poured out on me. Maybe the fun I’ve been having with the kids is a gift, not a surprise. Maybe reading the Bible in 90 days really is beginning to transform me.
The passion to pray and the hunger to read my Bible grows more slowly than I would have expected; but it grows. And by day 14 of a 30 day marathon, that’s good news.
Truly, I am excited to share the contents of the second half of this series even more than I have been to share the beginning. The best really will come more toward the last, and my heart is full with anticipation.
Isn’t it funny how womens’ muses are male and mens’ muses are female? I thought it was only me. Maybe not. I feel less sexist now – thanks.
ReplyDeleteI did the Bible in 90 days once – BUT IT WAS IN SEMINARY - I had to! Wow – it sounds impossible for a mom, with all the stuff you have to do and every moment being accompanied by the little ones or the big one. If you do it I’m buying you a cape and some nice red leather boots – and if there’s enough money left over a big S.
And I'm anticipating your words too.
God Bless