Wednesday, February 9, 2011

God in the Yard :: Celebration

Surprised again, challenged by the ideas introduced in this new chapter, I surface from it for a week.

This time the author suggests that in order to fully experience joy, one must fully embrace past grief. In principle, I agree with this idea. 

Not every discipline in this book will be of particular growth material for every person. I believe celebration is not one of my current growth challenges. I do experience joy in my life, in spades. 

And yet.

The author describes feeling "so incredibly sad. A deep sadness that I literally feel in my body . . ." and "weighted with unknown griefs."

I know that feeling, intimately.

Only no past grief immediately springs to mind. I grew up in a whole home. My parents taught me well about Jesus. Tragedy never approached too uncomfortably close. My life seems about as trouble free as a human life could be.

Some time ago, I began to wonder if the grief that weighs on my heart represents the weight of sin. If the deep sadness expresses my separation from God, as I wait for heaven.

This may be true, but I grew impatient with that kind of grief. I found no cure for it, and it grew to a point of destructiveness in my personal life. My husband, the kids, the house, the bills all suffered. It seemed to pull me further from God, not motivate me to move closer.

So I went to see my doctor and found out it's more than a spiritual manifestation of sin. Now I haven't had it in months, because I started taking a pill for it. It works very, very well.

Is "embracing grief" a non-growth area for me?

Instead of a solid "No," let's just say it's a "Not Now." I think once my kid-years wane, I may have the courage to try life again without the normal pill. When that inexplicable, paralyzing grief comes back, maybe I will be better equipped to deal with it. Perhaps it will even lead me to a higher understanding of celebration.

Not feeling so profound this week, but happy to be where I am,

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