Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Thankful to be Average

This evening has been a quiet one, as my man has left on his monthly business trip. With the kids in bed, it's just me and Lulu hanging out--and while she is typically active at this time of evening, she doesn't have much to say yet.

As part of avoiding kitchen cleanup, I fell into the pit of reading up on a few other mommy bloggers tonight, and now am feeling reflective. Started out reading my friend Michelle's blog entry about her sonogram a few weeks back--we are due within a few weeks of each other--and was brought up short by her acknowledgment of how amazing it was to have an average ultrasound. She is absolutely right.

The older I get, the more aware I am of how fragile life is. I had forgotten, but in the weeks before my ultrasound back in September, I had several nightmares. Not specifically about baby, more about my vulnerability and sense of powerlessness in the face of a life that goes beyond my control. Although I have had two nearly perfect pregnancies, for some reason doubt has begun to steal across my mind about this one--and I am fairly sure it is just my eternal Enemy playing games with one of God's children.

That ultrasound did put all of my reasonable anxieties to rest...but of course there are always the other kind. And so, every time I go in for a checkup, I press the doctor for news.

"Yes, sir, I realize this baby is measuring perfectly normally, but my last two measured large. Should I then be concerned that an average result relatively means that this baby is lagging behind my other two?"

"Are you absolutely certain that you have visually verified everything you can verify from an ultrasound? I know I declined the genetic testing, but you would be able to tell a lot of things just from looking, right?"

The assurances never waver, but my uneasiness remains.

I was humbled this evening by my further visits to a few other mommy blogs. Michelle had told me about Bring the Rain, one mommy's story of her journey from the moment of life change that was given to her during her 20 week ultrasound this past January. Reading up on her story tonight, I realized how small my world is, that I worry over average news. I encourage you to stock up on your kleenex before investing your heart into this story.

From the story of Audrey Caroline, I found a link to the story of another mommy blogger, MckMama,who recently delivered a perfectly healthy miracle baby after having been told this past July that his heart would not tolerate life. Stellan's mom also shares how her journey was made possible by Jesus. Yes, he healed her son, but he also carried her and continues to carry her through all of the ups and downs and jolting turns that the journey of life has handed her this year. Takes this year's MOPS theme of Adventures in Mothering to a whole new level.

The frailty of life was pointed out to me a little more personally a couple of weeks ago. When we lived in Salt Lake, my Maren Bear was ecstatic to meet another Marin Bear at VBS one summer day. The other Bear kept coming back, and soon her family began to get more and more involved at our church. By the time we moved 15 months ago, the other Bear's birthday party on July 29 was the final "normal" event we attended before leaving town August 10.

Marin Bear was the oldest of three girls, and her mama delivered a baby boy the week we moved. I was thrilled for the family, but the birthday party was our goodbye, and we had since lost touch although my Bear still mentions the other Bear from time to time. Then two weeks ago we heard sad news that baby brother had choked in the church nursery and subsequently went to heaven a lot earlier than anyone had ever expected. From the front-row perspective of another mommy blogger and one of my real life friends, I had the chance to confront the shock of this event, as well as to read more stories of Jesus. From what I understand, Bear's parents have reflected their pain to the glory of Jesus. Bear's aunt is also a blogger, and has beautifully shared stories from the family's perspective.

Life is fragile. I grow more aware of it with each passing day. Yet I cannot despair. These stories remind me first of all that I have so very much to be thankful for. Ordinary is not such a terrible way to live life. But they also remind me that while I am more aware of it, life has always been a fragile thing, out of my control. Worry is just dishonoring to God, because he has been orchestrating all of what we know since before we knew enough to be concerned at any outcomes. And if, as these women whose stories I read tonight, I am surprised by some course-changing event along the way, I will know that God is not surprised by it. He never is.

So I am thankful for my amazingly average ultrasound and checkup results. I feel compelled to release my silly worries and remember:
I lay down and sleep in peace, for you, Lord, keep me safe. Psalm 4:8
After I get back downstairs and clean up the kitchen, of course.

1 comment:

  1. So well said. We are so blessed to have our precious, averagely healthy babies. And you are right, worrying is not glorifying to Him, even though it seems almost impossible to not.


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